robbed of all it's passion

Monday, October 24
4:47 PM

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONALS - AM I MISSING.

Sharp disaster in a fresh new coma
Was it worth it when it was over
Proving yourself right
You'd make the biggest noise
Well.. I'd lock my hands behind my head
I'd cover my heart and hit the deck
I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you

(It's a long wait) is there anything
(For an answer) worth looking for
(Is there any news) worth loving for
(Is there any word) worth lying for
(Is there trauma) is there anything
(Or a struggle) worth waiting for
(Am I missing) worth living for
(Was the body found) worth dying for

-fin.

4:34 PM

life is an act. everyday before we face our friends and our families, we put on our mask. a happier face, one that everybody starts to think that you are a happy go lucky kind of person, who has no worries in the world. this is because when we hide behind something, nobody can see our flaws and our weaknesses. therefore we protect and try to prevent ourselves from getting hurt. nobody gets to see you cry. you just have to smile, tell everybody how this world is such a great place, while inside, you want to destroy everything.

false pretences are rampant in my life. i see so many people i want to slap and scold, but i stop to think. maybe they're like me. they're just hiding behind something convenient. sometimes i get angry at her for what she did. its not her fault. but why does it feel that way.

i never let myself fall this low on the ground before. i scraped my knees and your words are not helping. instead they're stinging my bruises.

-fin.

Sunday, October 23
4:24 PM

my mascara lined eyelashes is getting annoying. but oh my good god, it makes my eyelashes actually visible. another photo session with elsa today. we took it at a PLAYGROUND and a MULTI STOREY CARPARK. talk about fucking unglam. we changed with CARDBOARD BOXES please. i want to slap elsa.

elsa: AYE I MADE U HOT OK BLOODY BITCH.

eh whatever elsa. you didnt have to undress with three hundred ahpeks staring at you. the photos taken today were rather good. including a little R-rated shots. but who gives anyway. will put it up as soon as elsa does her editing. must remove all our flaws and imperfections. go visit her blog anyway, its somewhere in my links. you guys can have a ball, laughing at it. its all very professional okay. NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

-fin.

Tuesday, October 18
3:40 PM

a quick post in the computer lab since my computer at my home is currently as i mentioned, DEAD. school was hiliarious today with the ongoing teasing of the "romance" shared between sarah and daryl. from hand holdings to blushing ears, this class is never boring.

things are looking better now, lets hope they stay this way.

-fin.

Thursday, October 13
5:14 PM

im blogging again. this is the third time today as you can see the from the last two entries. my wonderful friend gave me jackdaniels pre mixed with coke a few hours ago. i really think i'm going to die soon, not to mention get fat. been drinking way too often this week. eating chips and drinking on a cold thursday afternoon is rather appealing. it feels nice to hang out with a WORKING computer. oh well, another day tomorrow. this post has to tide over a long period. till i crash someone else's house to use their computer. god i feel like a loser.

TO SING WITHOUT REASON TO NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.

-fin.

1:30 PM

sean is damn young. he plays with stuffed toys. good god you CHILD! but he's cool man, use, abuse and lose. you know what i'm talking about.

school is a waste of time nowadays. its just constant project work and the on going thought of the promos results. its scary to think that in just four days more, it would determine our lives for the years to come. okay, maybe not. exaggeration isn't helping right now. but school seriously is sucking me dry and its wasting my time. i'm only there to stone with my friends and sleep during lessons. been drinking alot lately and my friend said that i should just might as well shove a knife in my liver and twist it around. ha, i supposed that is the same as drinking shots. but drinking gives me the high i crave whenever i feel lost.

the retreat is coming and i have zero mood to go. i don't even know the details yet. as usual, i lost the "THINGS YOU NEED TO HAVE" sheet and will have no choice but to call melissa for the details. this is depressing. i have to travel so far just to use the computer at my friend's house. i'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms cause this is the first time my laptop and my main computer died together. a conspiracy i tell you! to deprive the lee family children of not having a computer to vent our frustration and cure our boredom.

ian thinks my nails look plastic. do they look plastic to you? oh well, i need to cut them soon, its getting fucking annoying.

my life is quite messed up now, whether i like it or not. i love for things to be cleared up but i'm tired to always be the one instigating. i don't want to be the man.

-fin.

12:51 PM

INCUBUS - DRIVE

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, aunting mass appeal
But lately I am beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

So whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes

Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?

-fin.

Tuesday, October 11
10:48 PM

here i am at kim's house and me dong and her are going to have a wild night! beside me is vodka mandrin and a hysterical friend. her "C" key is not working. not to mention her "ENTER" key. stupid bitch stuffed god knows what down her keyboard. we are not going to sleep tonight AT ALL! and we have school tmr but who gives a fuck man. NO SLEEP TONIGHT! we're just going to get fucking wasted and go to school smelling of alcohol. tomorrow is going to be a long day. where is that stupid dong, we can't party without her! WHEE ITS GONNA BE FUN TONIGHT.

-fin.

Monday, October 10
5:48 PM

i would be lying if i said that that night meant nothing to me and somehow i know that you must have felt something too. i know you feel overwhelmed by all these and i just hope that we can continue to stay the same or become something better, minus the awkwardness.

i am positive of what i feel but i guess i have to wait till tonight to see where things go.

"you're crazy"
"i'm only crazy when it comes to you"

-fin.

Sunday, October 9
12:00 PM

clubbing yesterday was exhilrating! though i don't remember much but it was goddamn fun.

met elsa and liangbo at tp interchange before heading down to town. after awhile elsa, paddy and i went to meet stacey at scotts. talked shit for awhile before heading down to indochine. where ELSA WENT ABSOLUTELY MAD. danced with god knows who for god knows how long.

elsa barfed everywhere, dalun was being gay, and everyone else, everyone was just fucking drunk. my feet hurts like fuck, but omg it was fun. next party next party!

-fin.

Friday, October 7
12:01 AM

have you heard of the one? the right now? the crush? something that me, vann and udaya happened to talk about today during our break. this three 'themes' just got me thinking, as vann would say, it gave me a sudden inspiration.

who is the one to us? in many cases, the one would be a person who we want to spend the rest of our life with. he who understands you the best and you just know, that he is the one that you will want to grow old with. but often enough, there is always a catch. that person is almost always your best friend. isn't it not true that if you could, you would want to marry your best friend? for a girl, your best friend is someone whom is your confidante and knows you inside out. i say, its always better to spend the rest of your life with someone you can talk to, not just someone you have passion. passion withers and dies away, but if you and the one can click, who knows, fifty years later, you guys won't be divorced. in my life, the one will never exist. so many close seconds, but never enough. is my expectations too high? or is it that i find fault in every thing. the shinest nickel always contains a blemish somewhere. some people choose to not look at it, while others pick at it, till it because too obvious, the nickel is no longer shiny. it sounds nice to say you have met the one. it makes me wish i did. but relationships with your best friend is tricky. one wrong move and not only your relationship is destroyed, but your deeply treasured friendship with that person is lost forever. you can never look that person in the same way again.

crushes are easy and spurred out of anything. i have realised that all of my crushes are not something parents would approve of. they are the people your mother forces you not to hang out with. maybe its because i'm not allowed to, that makes it sound intriguing. there was this boy whom i deemed as my perfect bad boy. everything your parents warned you about. and yet, when you talk to him, there is a side i never saw before. maybe perhaps the many times i saw him, we had alcohol on the table. girls date the bad boys and bring home the good boys. for a period of time i scoffed a geeks and nerds. i thought to myself to never ever date a nerd, it was bad boys all the way. however, i guess when i grew older, i start to see the positive elements of dating a good boy. as vann said, "I LOVE GEEKS."

what happens if you find someone, who is so perfect yet so forbidden. you just stand in the corner, admire, and understand that you will never ever, have the guts to tell him the truth.

o, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied.

-fin.

Thursday, October 6
12:19 AM

a change in the tide brings about new beginnings and new ideas. never knew it would turn out this way. nothing in my past prepared me for this. the feelings of over riding guilt and the feelings of hope fight a war in my heart. will this war never cease.

talking in riddles make me feel better. when no one understands, no one questions. no one stalks, no one makes false assumptions. only the person and i, know. its better this way. no more no more.

-fin.

Tuesday, October 4
1:15 PM

toa []*Cause she's bittersweet, She knocks me off of my feet* says:
my special dish
toa []*Cause she's bittersweet, She knocks me off of my feet* says:
black carbon
`but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight says:
yucks
`but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight says:
i'm never eating at ur store

his ambition is to be a chef, yet he tells me he puts raw garlic on his bread and proudly proclaims that it's 'garlic bread'. barry, you're a riot. with your blue eyeshadow and blood red nails, you're the perfect girl. swings and seesaws are fun, if you know how to play barry.

finally finished my fushigi yugi ovas. maybe now i can actually start studying. its not over yet.

-fin.

Saturday, October 1
4:24 PM

goodness gracious oh my fuck.

my head hurts like hell. five straight hours of non stop dvd watching is no fucking joke. i feel like an addict. i wonder how it feels like to run away from a perfectly straight railway track onto the side of the grass. will i fall and never catch up or will i find myself in a better place. who knows really. i need to get a life. maybe i should start learning to drive soon. taking trains and buses are expensive and they take too long. i wish i could drive. and i had my own car. i'll be zipping all over and getting fines.

the weather looks perfect for a swim.

-fin.